Hey everyone! How have you been? Hope you’re all safe and sound.
As for me, life just got crazier (but so much better) these past few weeks. From fearing premature delivery to thankfully reaching term, having prodromal labour and anxiously waiting for our precious girl until 40 weeks to officially becoming a mum of two and embracing all the mess and mayhem in our household – it has been quite a ride indeed. And now, everything has literally doubled in my life – the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, stamina needed to survive each day, patience to meet two different needs at once, the joy of seeing my beautiful girls become instant besties, and the gratitude and admiration for my husband for being with me every step of the way, through all the highs and lows of parenthood.
As I write this, my heart is beating faster than usual as I fight the urge to close my eyes. My newborn is beside me milk drunk and taking a nap, while my toddler is wide awake, crafting away, and constantly asking me to keep her company. There is hardly any downtime when you become a parent of two. Staying present is the biggest challenge. When I became a first-time mum, I would spend minutes on end studying every inch of my daughter’s face, while she rested in the crook of my arm. I would hug her for as long as I could and melt into that sweet newborn scent. This time around, everything seems so fast and fleeting. I nurse, change nappies, and then I’m off to doing worksheets and some playtime with my toddler. In between, I’d often catch myself zoning out due to sheer exhaustion. It’s hard to keep up and strike a balance, I admit. Most days, I feel confused, disoriented, and disconnected from my girls (so much so that I just want to split my heart in two).
I anticipated the changes and challenges of this chapter. But I guess, nothing really prepares you for motherhood. When you’re in the thick of it all, it always feels brand new and overwhelming. Honestly, I’m still struggling to find my center amidst all this chaos. But it’s okay, I’m not rushing it. It takes time, yes. Motherhood is an emotional see-saw. We are always torn – between wanting to put our babies down to bed as quickly as possible and holding them a little longer to cherish every breath and feel the beating of their hearts against ours. We too, often find ourselves wishing away the days so we can feel much less needed, have a 30-minute shower instead of 5, enjoy a hot meal without any drama or distractions, and sleep through the night. But then suddenly, it hits us that they’re growing up way too fast and we can never get back the days when they were still so tiny and innocent. We are often desperate for some “me time”, yet the minute we leave the house, all the worries kick in and we just can’t stop thinking about them. We want silence in the household, but the moment we hear a pin drop, we realize how much we miss their giggles, cries, and non-stop chatters.
So when do we actually hit the sweet spot of motherhood? Some say it’s still the precious newborn days, while others prefer getting past the toddler stage or better yet, before the teenage years. I guess I can’t really say for sure, but all I have is the present – living life in 2 to 3-hour increments, keeping up with a toddler who has already outgrown naps, waking up to heaps of laundry, ending the day with a sink full of dirty dishes to be washed, and books and toys waiting to be fixed. Perhaps, this is where I am supposed to be, right in the middle of the mess – the sweet magical spot I need. The struggles of parenting often sway us to do away with the present moment. We always look forward to a new milestone or the next phase of our parenting journey, because this means that we’re inching closer to freedom and the life we once had. But if we choose to embrace the chaos now, then we get to unravel the beauty and joy motherhood brings.
I don’t have a “village” due to the pandemic, but I have my husband who has been such a great team player. I am drained and my stitches still hurt a bit, but I have never felt this strong. My mind is all over the place, but I have never felt so focused and driven by sheer love and maternal instinct.
One thing I realized is that we never stop being mothers. Yes, we did not sign up for something temporary. As we move on to the next stage of our children’s lives, new challenges come in. From breastfeeding woes to toddler tantrums and teenage rebellion – we never stop worrying for our kids. In fact, the last person I talked to before I gave birth was my mother. She was constantly checking on me and my baby, how my labour was progressing, and if we were both okay.
Now that I am a mum of two, there is so much room for growth and change. Motherhood allows us to become better versions of ourselves. The more we are challenged, the more we learn and grow. Right now, I am still in that messy in-between stage but for sure, the best is yet to come. I cannot wait to bloom in this journey and witness my kids become the people we’ve hoped and prayed for.
At the end of the day, when I see my firstborn stroke her little sister’s hair and hug her ever so tightly as she tells me, “I love her so much, Mama”, I know that nothing will give me this kind of happiness. Realizing that they will have each other for the rest of their lives is enough to sustain me through all the challenges of motherhood.
If you are a new parent or knee-deep in this journey but still struggling, we are with you. Try to go easy and give yourself some grace. After all, your child does not need a perfect mum, but rather someone who is authentic, present, and with so much love to give. 
